I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
