do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
