i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
