he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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