I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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