After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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