You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
