Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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