Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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