I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
