So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
