You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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