its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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