Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
