Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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