You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
