I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
