we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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