Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
