Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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