A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
