I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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