Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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