He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
