Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
