I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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