I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
