I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
