I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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