the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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