I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
