Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
