jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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