allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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