You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We don't watch enough power rangers
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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