Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
