my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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