Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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