My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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