i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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