After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
