i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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