I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
