There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
