The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
