And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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