i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
