So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I did not marry a roomba.
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