my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
