totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
