it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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