fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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