Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
