Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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