The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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