its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
