so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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