We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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