I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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